I had laparoscopy 14 years ago and it was on my colon at that time, so of course I’m going to assume that they didn’t get all of it and/or it grew back.  The IBS is horrible now and I’ve been in such a pity party about everything that I haven’t taken care of myself.

My health has to become my first priority and I have to take responsibility for all issues that I am making worse for myself.  That being my diet and exercise.  Yes it sucks that I can barely eat anything, can no longer have caffeine and definitely need to stay away from alcohol for multiple reasons now.

But now I need to really test what issues go away with the new hormonal treatment.  Everyone please send good vibes, good thoughts and/or prayers (whatever your preferred mode is) to my husband and family as I go through a forced menopause.  Yes, we both are worried about me being even more emotional than I’ve been in the last year.  I can deal with symptoms of discomfort knowing that it may take away so many other issues, but the depression issue is the one we are worried the most about.  Along with how my highs and lows may be.  As soon as the insurance approves the therapy then I’ll get on some other stuff to counteract the menopausal symptoms.

So diet has to be very strict for the IBS.

No alcohol because of the IBS and also because the hormone therapy will deplete some of my bone mass and alcohol only makes that worse.

Very, very little caffiene, I mean barely any.  I’m so sensitive to it now.  From the weight I’ve gained in the last year and a half and the half a monster that was in my system this morning, my BP was so bad.  Not bad for others I know, but really bad for me.  Huge wake up call.

Exercise has to be started back up immediately.  I have to drop the weight.  This stuff may make my HDL’s go down and luckily I’ve always had super high numbers there, but I don’t want to have them dip into any danger marks.  Then there is the bone density issue.  I need to keep it so I’m losing as little as possible.

So today I got my first shot of 6 that will last for the next 6 months.  I had hoped I’d be going in soon for a laparoscopy, however the doctor doesn’t recommend going in and cutting twice.  She was very candid and told me I would have to have a hysterectomy soon anyway.  So it is up to me, but not suggested by her.  Yes, I can agree with that.  We’re going with the hormone therapy first.  Give it a test run and see how the symptoms of the endometriosis go.  If I’m feeling better, then I’ll know that it is truly time to go and have it all taken out.

While I want to have faith that this will make me feel so much better, I worry about getting my hopes up.  It’s the last thing I can do and there is no turning back.  It means hormone replacements will need to be taken for at least 14 more years until I get closer to a more natural menopause age.  Yes, I am scared.  I’m scared it won’t do a damn thing.  It’s why I’ve been so unhealthy for this last year.  I fear just how much I can be disappointed if this doesn’t work.  However…I have to move forward.  I can’t stay in the current state I’m in when there are options still to be taken.

So I’m evaluating this again. I took the auto tweet of this blog off my main account @busymommaval and put it on my name account that I don’t use that much @valselby. I just know that this blog is too personal to be mixing with the business. That and my brother is following my damn main account now, but that is a story for a different post.

I guess my line between business social media and personal, moved to the more conservative overnight. For those that really want my roller coaster tweets they can follow my only personal account and get the full dose of me.

If you don’t want to miss any of my posts here, just follow @busymommaval or the better option is to add my feed to your feedreader. I use google. I can’t possibly keep track of all the blogs I follow just by their twitter accounts.

Anyway she made a status update that said simply “God is pro-sex…he invented it!” Yeah, I’m a perv and I also believe in that statement so I had to check out for more info. lol I’m sure you are surprised!

I then find the link to How Will We Love and again click when I normally don’t. It’s a link to a documentary video. Normally that would send me to ugh, puke, whatever. But, this site is done very well and the trailer made me cry. CRY! For realz, I literally watched the damn trailer and then came over to blog.

As I commented to Sondra, if I ever hear someone tell me that I am ‘LUCKY’ to have found John I will hurt them badly. HURT! Luck had to do with us meeting so early in life maybe, but nothing has been ‘lucky’ in the last 20 years. It was been work and enjoying the incredible moments we are given. I would never trade it for anything and the work I put in has been rewarded by 20 years of living with a wonderful man. But, it’s still WORK!

The part in the video that hit me was when the guy said, “most people give up when it gets bad”. Then he said that if they only rode out the bad they would find the happiness. Now I have not gone through any of the sins like adultery, so I only have my personal experience to call from. But this is so true. We have been through very rough times and I will say that it finally came at times that I thought why am I doing this?

Even through those bad times I never wanted to be with someone else. I had a bonfire moment with a guy going through divorce and it made him even sadder. His ex did think there was something better out there. I’ve never in my darkest days thought there was something better out there for me. It’s him or alone as far as I’m concerned.

I guess that may make me stupid to some, but I don’t live in make-believe. I told you we haven’t dealt with any cheating issues, BUT I’ve done some things that I’m surprised he didn’t give up on me and am still happy he hasn’t most days. Umm, I’m a bitch to live with if you haven’t figured that out.

So I will be getting this video and see what it is about. The trailer was great and I recommend watching it and forming your opinions from there alone. I don’t get any kick back from the dvd’s…yet! But hopefully if I purchase it and like it I can find an affiliate program to join. It really does look great!

The fishing season this year is CRAZY! The first few weeks were just totally out of control. Salmon were so thick that every cast brought in a fish. It got to the point I didn’t want to cast any more because I was getting tired. Reeling them in just so you can release them is annoying after a while. But we got some great fish and our freezer is so full right now. Limiting out every time we went.

Of course, I’m one of very few women down there. Friends have gone down as well, but never when I’m there. Weird huh? We have gone a ton and I’m not a fisherman so this is a lot for me. But I’ve enjoyed it and hubby really likes me going with him even if a bunch of friends are there. So I’ll just keep going here and there.

When we have gone to quieter rivers we’ve been told so many times, “I wish my wife would go fishing with me.” Really? I doubt it. Most guys I know are fishing all day to get away from their wives so I call total bulllshit. lol But when we were walking out the other day an old guy stopped us to chat and he looked like he meant it. My ever wonderful husband says, “Well this way I don’t get in trouble for coming home so late from fishing.” OMG I just about pee’d my pants. Too funny and so true on top of that. He doesn’t get in trouble on days I don’t go I don’t expect him home at a certain time any more. I understand even better that you lose all track of time.

But I’d also like to top it off with the fact that he never really gets in trouble for stuff anyway. lol I do understand losing track of time and I love that he goes off and does his own thing here and there.

So here’s a pic of my first silver. Yes it is small. But considering you buy this meat for about $20 a pound most areas of the world, hey I’ll take it! MMM Coho salmon baby!

We truly love going to these big shows. Yes, our ticket was $125 a seat, BUT we got 5 huge concerts for that. Considering it’s typically $60 for one headliner, WHAT A DEAL!!!

We started off by finding a new place. We are total fans of Diners, Drive ins and Dives and there are a few places locally we haven’t tried out yet. Slim’s Last Chance Chili Shack and Watering Hole was one on the list. Once we parked in front of it we laughed. We’ve driven past it so many times. In fact I’ve commented on the place connected to it because it seems so divey. I have to say, the chili was amazing! I only had a few bites of hubby’s chili burger because I did not want beans in my system for the concert, but we will be back…a lot! Hubby used no salt on it and this is the biggest compliment he could ever give. He even said it was like we made it. SWEET! My burger was awesome and the handcut fries? OMG, you always have me with handcut fries. DAMN, loved it there. Oh and my drink rocked. I’ll be back for some hurricanes again!

So yada yada, we had some fun, we went to another bar downtown and then we went to the before party we should have been at. DAMN why didn’t the radio station say how big their party was going to be? Totally would have been there. They had a great band, but we knew we should get up and see Lady Antebellum since we’d paid for them. lmao

Lady Antebellum was really good. I actually would have preferred them as the second act because I thought they brought much more personality to the stage than Miranda Lambert did. Which believe me was a big disappointment in my book. I really love this gal. I won’t allow that she is only 25 get in the way of stage presence. Something else must have been up cause she just didn’t bring it. Still love to hear her sing!

Sugarland rocked it like we hoped and knew they would. Hubby is (not secretly) got a big crush on Jennifer Nettles. lol This lets me have my crushes with no guilt, so ok, bring it. tee-hee She’s hot, there is no denying it and the beyotch can SING! Ok, I’m half in love with her too. lmao They put on a great concert.

My BOYS Montgomery Gentry did NOT DISAPPOINT! I’ll be honest and Eddie Montgomery is my fav. I can’t help it, I’m totally attracted to bald men since hubby started going bald a decade ago. lol Plus his deeper voice and typically bad attitude just hits me. ahhh, I have no idea why I’m still married to my bad ass hubby! I was so excited to see these two that it could have been a big disappointment. I mean, put them on my bucketlist excited. But both of them brang it and more! AWESOME, thanx!

Who next? Actually the one person I didn’t give a crap about in the show. The headliner…Kenny Chesney. I’ve never gotten why so many are attracted to him for one reason and did I just not say I’m attracted to bald guys? Of course maybe it’s because you need to own it and not hide it? But also I tend to think many of his songs are so similar. They are good, no doubt, they get me tappin’ and singin’, but they are pretty close. I guess I’ve forgotten many of his songs and thankfully he played a good spectrum of them. I bawled. Yes, I bawled. I had hubby hugging me and singing in my ear and I uncontrollably bawled when he sang “There Goes My Life”. I know that hubby feels that song because we were so young and we had a daughter first. So it hit heavy life. I can’t even comment over the rest of his playing except coming out in the encore with U2 and other 80′s/90′s was super cool. I mean really cool.

We had a blast. We enjoy good music and this was a definite good time as well. It changed how I feel about ya Kenny. If you can bring that to another concert, you bet I will be there baby

There are too many shirts to talk about in one post. But the next buy for me is the Dirty Skank t-shirt. lol

It’s especially funny in my circle because I’ve been with hubby for 19 years. So yes, I’m a skank. But I’ve been his skank for so many years I never had a chance to be a true whore. OMG, that is funny. Truly, it’s funny. Cause you know what, I guess that is yet another thing that has kept us together. I have no reason to leave the house for more. I am free to be what I am right here in my own safe house TMI? Maybe, your bad.

Our 4th of July was great and HOT as HELL. Just the way we’d always like it. lol We had fun on sea doo’s and the dune’s. We had the little dogs and the kids. Our friends new 5th wheel is truly incredible. But that wasn’t the best part.

Hubby and I connected in some ways we haven’t in a long time. Sure beer had been flowing, but you know what, we ran out quite early and we’d been pounding so much water as well because we worried about the heat.

We walked together to dump off some campsite garbage and just ended up talking about the life transition we are in. The kids are 13 (14 in couple of weeks) and 11. This campsite was really, super safe and we honestly didn’t have to worry about them. We made them stay together of course, but as long as they went around together it was just fine. They have a cell phone and they can get ahold of us faster than my over-bearing parents ever could. LOL

But everyone we were camping with is in a younger aspect. The next oldest from our 11 year old was a 6 year old. Yes, our kids had to work as sitters. That’s the oldest law. I’m an oldest, I should know. I had to watch many others kids when we had get-togethers. But these guys don’t live far away and the middle kid has a crush on our oldest, so I’m hoping she can get a babysitting job out of the deal See, Momma’s working on it.

Anyway…got totally sidetracked. SURPRISE! It was just how cool it is that we are in this transition and can enjoy it together. He’s helped me through a lot because it’s just odd not to be needed in the same way anymore. He helps me focus on the fact that it will be JUST us in a few years. Not that the kids will be gone, but the fact that I get him all to myself. YEP, I’m still selfish as hell and I look forward to that. Even though I know I will be so very sad that they have their totally separate lives, I am excited to have a life with just my best friend, hubby, and sexy man.

In the last year I have had 3 major people pass in my life. Thankfully I learned a lesson with the first passing and I want to pass on that lesson in hopes that even one person can pull information from it.

My new life lesson and what I am striving to live by is NO REGRETS.

My Aunt Dolores was the first really close relationship I have lost in my adult years. Yes, I do know I’m lucky that it didn’t happen until I was 36. I’m so, so lucky! But it was a shock.

Thankfully I had moved appointments, lost money, and spent money I didn’t have to to spend. I went to Reno and I went to breakfast when I should have been at appointments, but all the women in the family were meeting up. I got to hear I love you and I got to say I love you. She passed just a month later. She wasn’t sick, there was no warning. But I have so much happiness that I spent those last times with her that I want it to always be like that when someone passes.

My Great-Uncle Russ passed on Valentine’s day. I have blogged about all of this, but I didn’t make the trek up to see him that one last time. I couldn’t do it. I really couldn’t. I work hard at remembering that I couldn’t make that decision at the time. But I did see him and sit with him this last Summer and many times before. So no reason to have regrets there.

My Grandma passing is an odd one for me to work with. It’s awakened some issues of my family dynamics. It’s opened my eyes to the awesomeness of having all 6 of my parents still alive. I have my two parents and also 2 sets of in-laws. I’m truly blessed because I will truly miss any of them when they pass. But it’s also opened up to some major years I may have missed because of someone that had no right to butt in.

I went to my Grandma’s bedside, I also went to breakfast with her just two weeks before. I was there when they took her off of her life support. I’m going to forever work hard at not having regrets about the relationship I could have had and didn’t. I’m going to work hard forever not to blame someone in my life that filled me with hateful things and ruined that relationship. Because by carrying the poison with me, I may pass the same to my kids and that would be my biggest regret ever. I want to pass on no hate to my kids EVER.

So my dilemma is, do I tell her how disappointed I am? Not at this time as we are in the midst of dealing with whether or not Grandma is going to pull through. But at a soon to be date?

Thankfully I have my friends and some family that I have hashed things out with and worked on getting rid of the majority of the anger. It’s still there, but I no longer feel the need to walk a hole in my road while talking to my friends. lol

But how do you talk to someone that is nothing but defensive? There really is no explaining things to her. If she doesn’t want to hear it, you can see her tune you out. You literally no longer exist or she only hears what she wants from the conversation.

Only time will tell how this needs to be played out. My aunt was hashing things out with me and asked herself if there is a time that she has to step in and tell Mom how she treats all of us. My aunt said it is not my responsibility to do so. That if need be, she will have the conversation with her. But for right now my focus is my Dad and dealing with Grandma. I can’t focus on Mom right now, as her feelings are not of value to me in helping Dad. She should be the one holding my Dad’s hand and holding him as he cries and opens the conversation with his family to take Grandma off the machines!

This blog is my personal blog. It was created because I needed a place to vent. I need to vent because I don’t let a lot of people know what is going on in my life. I don’t let friends get close enough to know everything. It comes from getting burned and is my form of protection. But today I had no choice and it felt really good to lean on my friends.

Tonight is the relay for life. Something I love doing. It’s a blast! Stay up all night, chat with friends, let the kids stay tweaked out on caffiene. lol But this week I was already not looking forward to it. Every day this week has gotten worse and worse. It was topped off today. My Grandma is very ill with cancer right now and was admitted to the hospital on Thursday because of the fluid in her lungs that the treatment causes. She has quite a few other health issues, so the treatments really take a toll on her. My Dad has been carrying too much on his own and doing everything on his own. I don’t want to make this post too long, so I will not be going into it all.

But my plate is so full that I couldn’t take all of this on my own. I just couldn’t. It spilled out to everyone. I immediately called my friend about issues she would understand with my Mom because of the anger I have right now.

The worst was going to the relay. I really did NOT want to. It’s just not a good day for that ya know? BUT, this is why relay is such a good event. Relay was exactly what I needed today. Friends did the usual, how are you doing and I said shitty. Plain and simple, I didn’t play it off. I couldn’t, I didn’t have it in me to hide it. There’s just no room in me right now to hide anything. So I spilled it out to a few friends and I am feeling a little better tonight for it.

This is what I mean when I say “use your friends”. They are in our lives for good and bad. They care. They want to help. But they can’t help if they don’t know you are hurting.