Today I actually felt good at the gym.  I had hubby buy the family membership right before Christmas so we can all go.  I’ve been working at it and I’m getting better about going.  I really prefer going to the new gym because no one knows me and I hate how fat I’ve gotten.  This 20 pounds is not pretty and it does embarrass me.  But obviously it hasn’t been embarrassing enough to fix it previously.

As I said, today the gym felt good.  I was pushing through my cardio just fine and was well on my way to jogging for over 20 minutes straight.  I am so thankful that my cardio comes back, but I really let it go farther than ever this time.  A lady was getting a first session with a trainer and I found myself missing that.  Missing that first contact.  Even missing those first discussions when everything you tell them goes out the other ear.  The time that you have to prove to them you know what you are talking about and let them see the results from them doing what you tell them.  The moment that they first start seeing results and they are so happy for all the work they’ve put in.  Yep, it’s the first time I’ve missed any of that.

This is such a good thing.  I’m still paying off my school loans from my degree damnit.  It was only a few months ago that I finally let go that if I don’t use this degree ever again it is ok .  It was worth the money and I’m better for having that piece of paper.  I’m proud of myself for graduating with that 3.82 while working 30 hours a week, working online and raising younger kids.  I’m not angry at paying that bill each month any longer.  Possibly that has helped this all come to light?  I know letting go of guilt has been very therapeutic in other areas of my life and with each “moment” I feel a little more wonderful.

Right now, I know I will be back to training.  I will continue to enjoy this time driving the kids around to all their things and getting my own butt back in shape.  I will go grab a new national cert and then when the time comes, I will train again.  I’m sure I will know when it’s time, life has a way of telling me as long as I’m listening.

photo credit: superwebdeveloper

I had a tremor so bad I would still spill my water glass when holding with two hands. I felt really stupid. The tremor even went so much as a facial tick and if I didn’t pay attention I could feel my teeth chatter slightly. Not cool and it didn’t show up until around 8 weeks into the drug.

Then after researching the side effect I read the pamphlet and saw that it can cause short term memory issues which was my problem with not being able to complete sentences very quickly if at all. And the reason I can’t believe I was prescribed it is it causes sleeplessness. WHAT?!

I was supposed to be getting off the ambien and only taking it when needed. Well when I’ve taken the wellbutrin no matter how early in the day then of course I have to take the sleep aid to get to sleep at all. Cycle of upper-downer. Jeesh

So I’m not really taking either now. I kind of slowly weaned off the wellbutrin, but not as slow as I’m sure I should have. I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I haven’t used one of the ambien’s in a few days either now.

I’m going to look into some more natural alternatives for the mood issues. I told her I wasn’t interested in trying something different. I will keep the ambien prescription for now and use it here and there. But I also know I’ll be tired and hit sleep when it happens. I’m working on creating some better habits.

I’m thinking my body could be trying to adapt to no sleep aid and that funky sleep it’s put me in for the last couple of months. But we’ll see. I’m going to try not to take it for a while. Hubby is on vacation for spring break and I generally sleep better when he’s home.

It’s been a very long day of traveling and visiting with family. But here I am at 10:30pm hitting my blogs and off to comment on others. My daughter says she has to stay up until midnight to text her best friend happy birthday. lol I just put in one of my classics Resident Evil: Apocalypse (yes, it’s an affiliate link). But I just may get up and switch it out for Extinction. Yes, the beauty of being a movie junky is some nights I can’t figure out which one of my favorites to watch.

I need to go comment on some of my favorite blogs before I fall over on the couch. I’m already getting pretty slumped down.

My aunt, Mom and I were on the way home from a meeting (over 2 hour drive each way) and my aunt was talking about how she stays up really late now that she is retired. I brought up how I’m now taking the ambien so I can try to sleep earlier and stay asleep. My aunt was very unhappy I’m taking it and started in about all sorts of other things I needed to be doing. Habit forming stuff. Yes, I know that SOME of my sleep issues come from habits formed. But if I can stay up until 2 or 3am, get up at 6 and sometimes stay up or go back to bed for 1.5 hours and then do it again the next night? If I can do that for over 7 days and not crash? Someone is comparing apples to oranges. This leads me to why I don’t talk about my issues. Everyone has exactly what I am doing wrong and it’s my own fault. K, shut up…I already tuned you out and your mouth is still moving.

This leads me to the title of this post. I knew my Dad always had sleep issues. I’ve tried to pay attention and there is no rhyme or reason to it. But back a few years ago when I’d have a few days of barely any sleep, if I talked to my Dad, he would have had just about the same problem at the same time.

I was trying to explain this to my aunt when my Mom piped in. “You know your Grandma and Great-grandma were always night owls too?” WELL CRAP. I think I remember that Grandma was, but I never put it together. My very cool Great-grandma passed when I was younger so I wouldn’t know she was a night owl. That is 3 generations before me that are “night owls”.

In this day and age we like to label everything with a syndrome or disorder. We’ve moved those that don’t need as much sleep to a new category called “sleep issues”. Previously we just called them night owls.

I’ll be weaning off of the ambien. It doesn’t make me go to sleep but it is keeping me sleeping better through the night. However, I’ve been taking it for almost 2 months now and changed my sleep/wake pattern up drastically. If I don’t take the ambien I will not sleep before midnight and yes I’ll be up before 7am for sure. I’ve been thinking of only taking the ambien on nights that hubby is at work because I can easily stay up all night then.

I’m keeping an eye on everything and I will communicate this family history with my doc when I next meet with her. But I’m leaning towards the sleep not being an issue and I’m forcing something that my body doesn’t want to do naturally. Of course that is my expert and professional opinion. lol

Now on my doc’s side, she is truly trying to help me with my insomnia which I asked for and really wanted help with. However, a new problem is not the answer.

Ambien wasn’t working so she prescribed me something else instead…Lunestra. I was very hopeful as the ambien wasn’t keeping me asleep at night, nor was it actually putting me to sleep but I also didn’t have the hangover feel that I had worried about with a prescription sleep aid. Well lunestra is a whole new shabang.

The side effects that came on the bottle itself were scary to start. Headaches? Hmm, really? I don’t get headaches. I told hubby if it caused headaches it was going to be a waste of our $40. Sure enough, that second night I started getting a headache about 4 hours before bedtime.

The next day was worse with the headache coming a little earlier. The fourth day was HORRIBLE! I woke up with a horrendous hangover feeling and could barely open my eyes to stumble to the coffee pot. I never got rid of my headache and by bedtime I wanted to pound my head against the wall. I’m not an idiot unlike some I guess, this was withdrawals!

See, I read the pamphlet that came with the meds. It said if I took it for 2-3 weeks straight to talk to my doc before quitting because they may need to lower your dosage slowly. HOLY SHIT! See, not only am I NOT an idiot, but I do come from a line of addicts. I can tell withdrawal symptoms when I see and feel them. Saturday it was obvious I was going through withdrawals. Thankfully, I wasn’t craving the drug at all, major upside. But my body was not happy I didn’t have it in my system. By the time bedtime came around, 25 hours after the last dose, my headache was finally gone. Yeah, went back to ambien that same night.

So why would I want to take a drug that gives me withdrawal headaches every single day? Why is a drug on the market that is so addictive? Why is a drug on the market that the side effects are worse than the outcome of what it is trying to help?

Why isn’t MY government on MY side for MY health? I’m very thankful that I am educated enough to research and stop taking things that are seriously bad for me. Lumesta can suck it and I’m ashamed of any one that created it and thought it was ok to pass it off as a helpful product.

It still isn’t getting me to sleep fast. Which it should. My friends that have ambien say it knocks them out, hmm, my body hates drugs and won’t work correctly with any of them. lol So I’m taking the lunesta well before going to bed so it has time to hit. Honestly, I’m already really tired by 10pm now which is a sucky feeling for a night owl. But I’ve been working hard at getting up at 6am no matter what day of the week it is. Working on the weekends when it’s so quiet in the morning is awesome.

Anyway, the lunesta is helping me sleep through the night better. I’m only waking up if hubby does and I go right back to sleep and I am rested in the morning. But it’s night three of taking it now and I feel worse and worse each morning. This morning I could barely get my eyes open as I walked through the house. It’s a total hangover, headache and all. Just like the side effects say it will be.

So I’m trading one thing for another. Hmm, get less sleep and find it hard to wake up but no extra chemicals. OR fill my body with addictive chemicals and wake up feeling like shit? This lunestra only has a few more days of testing and if this feeling in the morning stays, it’s OUT. Shitty thing is I have to wean off of it. I’m on the full dose right from the start and I can tell it’s addicting. I’ve gotten a headache before bed each night about 2 or 3 hours before I’m scheduled to take it. Yep, that addicting that my body already goes through withdrawals EVERY SINGLE DAY. Cool huh? And I thought the ambien side effects were bad.

Maybe some day, some one, will do a study on the effects of using these sleep drugs vs the effects of lack of sleep. Which one is worse for you? OH and I don’t want to see the study done by the pharmaceuticals, cause that’s all the studies that have been conducted so far anyway. Course, it says to take them. lol

I’ll be calling the doc on Tuesday. I did like my friend said and I took it well before I was off to bed. Then stayed up and watched some Olympics with hubby for 30-45 minutes. I did crash as soon as my head hit the pillow, cool beans. But I still woke up a few times during the night and it’s supposed to be taking care of that. So I’ll call her and tell her about that.

This morning I wasn’t as rested, I’m actually feeling quite groggy this morning. Considering I was the only one not drinking at the mardi gras party I should be the only one feeling awesome this morning. lol So that bites, but at least I’m up and rocking some blogs before the house gets up.

I am feeling more rested in the morning. But who wouldn’t after getting 7-8 hours. Now if I could just get 7-8 hours of UNINTERRUPTED sleep that would be perfect. Because if I’m going to bed this early and wasting all this time sleeping when I could be on the computer working, then it darn well better be perfect. lol

I haven’t noticed any side effects from using it. But I don’t think I really paid much attention to the side effects pamphlet. I knew better or I might not take it. I’ve done that before.

So here I am on a Saturday morning, up at 6:45am, drinking my coffee in a quiet house. It’s not a bad way to wake up, but my warm cuddly bed sounds better. lol Coffee cheers to getting my schedule set!

But I didn’t sleep through the night. WTF? Hubby got up to pee so I did too. TMI? maybe I should have slept through that since I really didn’t have to go. Then I also woke up around 3 and looked at the clock. That’s what I used to do already! ARGHHHH, but atleast this time I didn’t wake up with an anxiety attack. I easily went back to sleep in a couple of minutes.

Kids don’t have school so I set the alarm for 7 even though I’m working on a set schedule. What’s an hour? lol I hit the snooze button once which is good because I truly didn’t have to get up until 8:30. I do feel well rested and I’m not tired this morning. I think the only reason I have a coffee is because it’s habit.

Now to pop that awful wellbutrin and see how bad it makes me feel today.

Then I come from a good line of addicts. Typically it’s alcohol, but there have been drugs in there as well. My brother says he has the same fear of drugs and getting addicted because of our family history.

Then we have the fact that I grew up with a doctor from Egypt and I didn’t get prescriptions unless I was really sick. He taught us other ways to get through things unless they were really bad. I mean I can remember most times I had amoxycillin because it wasn’t often. My body reacts so strongly to drugs it’s not even funny. Unlike 3/4 of even the kids in our country, my body doesn’t know how to process them because I have no tolerance built up.

But that’s for another day, I have some funny stories about some first prescriptions when I went away to college. Hmm, come to think of it, that first prescription may also play into the loss of control factor. Something to ponder.

Yesterday I met with an awesome physician’s assistant. I’d seen her before in the walk in clinic and really liked her. So I made this very important appointment with her yesterday. I’m so glad I did. We went over all the issues I’ve been feeling and all the health issues that have hit me in the last year. She honestly listened and didn’t make me feel stupid at all. I swear I thanked her 10 times. lol

This morning I got up with the kids and was able to stay up since I’d gotten almost 8 hours sleep. I made my breakfast because she said the most common side effect of the wellbutrin is nausea. So I was preparing as much as possible and figured I could handle it. Man have I been wrong.

It’s 3pm now and I’m just starting to feel a little better. I stress the little. I’ve felt pregnant all day so far and I HATED BEING PREGNANT! I’m a big baby about my stomach which is yet another reason why my IBS has been so difficult for me to deal with. So I’ve had little meals and saltine crackers. I just made myself some hot tea and I’m going to use the heating pad and see if that helps some. But now I have all over bodyaches. Like with the flu I called the pharmecy to make sure I can have some tylenol, cause like I said, I don’t ever have prescriptions so I have no clue on combo’s. lol

I’ve gone through times today that I just wanted to cry for no reason, but other than the body issues I’m doing ok. I realize this is going to take a few weeks to settle down and then they may up the dose and all of this will be messed up again. Then she’s pretty confident I’ll be off of it in 9-12 months. I loved hearing that.

So here’s to day 1 of anti-depressants and feeling better soon. Here’s to me stepping forward finally and not being afraid. To taking care of myself and putting myself first like I tell everyone else to do. You can definitely expect long posts to be ahead. lol